Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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