A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
