Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
