I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Randomize
