as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize