My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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