I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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