My liver just broke up with me...
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Nobody cheats on THIS.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize