after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize