i permit you to call me
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
