i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
