I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
We left an ass print on the piano.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize