I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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