I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Randomize