i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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