Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
