I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I'm going to jail i love you
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize