I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
