I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
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