I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
