You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
be right there i have to get my cape
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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