I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
