You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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