dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Randomize
