He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
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