Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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