so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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