i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
