when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
In other news, I just burned my penis
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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