Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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