Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
