I got chris browned last night
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
