I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
