My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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