Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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