we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Drunk walkin through police station. America
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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