im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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