I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize