Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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