remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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