You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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