Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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