Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Randomize
