I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Reggie can tackle my bush.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize
