Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
