dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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