I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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