I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
