Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
