He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Randomize
