Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
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