I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
