omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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