i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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