Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
