I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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