yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
he shaved USA in his pubs
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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