im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
