shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
The police scanner is talking about you again....
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
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