I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Randomize
