Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I need to align my fucking chakras
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